Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
