I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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