The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
