I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
