Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
