You smell like stripper and shame
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i now understand why vodka
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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