and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
