Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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