I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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