this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
