I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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