I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
