I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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