apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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