I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
