i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
