i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
