Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
