I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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