Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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