He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
