I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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