I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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