my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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