Where did you get a picture of my penis
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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