now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
