My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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