cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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