I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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