Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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