watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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