i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
