I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
