hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
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the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
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I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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