It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
