oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I will pee on everything he values.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize