I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
