Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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