We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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