you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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