I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
