The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she peed on how many people?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
