Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
