before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
this hospital has no fireball
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
