You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
