I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
