So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
