Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
