she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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