I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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