Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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