I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
