Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
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