I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
