I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
be right there i have to get my cape
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
