My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
why is half of my head shaved?
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