omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
