Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
