drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
