I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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